Secrets and Lies

Let me tell you a secret… I’m pregnant!

Not only am I pregnant. I am, in 2 days time, 37 weeks pregnant!

Due to a history of miscarriages, all of which were around the 12 week stage, we decided not to share this news with anyone until the 12 week scan when we told our families and close friends. Superstition and fear led us to the decision not to announce it to anyone else until later, and try not to even think about it.

One day, at 16 weeks, I decided to think about maternity wear as I was beginning to feel my clothes getting a little more snug. I logged onto Mothercare and put a few items in the basket then went to the toilet to discover I was bleeding, and bleeding quite heavily. My heart dropped like a stone, I had allowed myself to start to get excited about the prospect of actually having a baby now, that we were on the home straight, well out of the ‘danger zone’. I rang the Midwife in a state of shock and waited for the OH to race home from work and so the very familiar drive to the hospital in silence began once more. I was convinced this was my fault for looking at maternity wear!

To cut a long story short… after a scan, which showed bean was absolutely fine (doing head stands for the camera), and what seemed like endless examinations, there appeared to be nothing wrong with either myself or bean and the bleeding was put done to a mere blip. A blip that terrified us both and stunned us into silence, that was it, a deal had been made. No-one would know except the people around us that really mattered until, of course, it became too obvious to avoid!

The longer this went on the more I relished the fact that no one suspected a thing, other people announced their pregnancies on Twitter and Facebook and this was followed by the comments of others that they wished they would shut up about it. These nasty comments led me to truly believe that no one, except true friends and family, really give two hoots about things that actually happen in our lives by our social media ‘friends’, and why should they? They are anonymous names that you may happen upon maybe once or twice in your life, of course they don’t care. Having said that, there are a couple of people who we told as they gave us lots of advice and support during our miscarriages and they have been wonderful, keeping this news to themselves for months on end and quietly offering us their support and for these people I’m truly grateful.

I lost my mum to cancer in April 2008 and miss her more and more each day my pregnancy progresses, if only she could have been here to see her grandchild, my child, how she would have doted on them, offered me endless advice and support throughout this whole process and knitted until her fingers bled but there’s nothing I can do about that. The generosity of relative strangers has surprised me. My partner’s mum came with two hand knitted cardigans made by a work colleague of hers; a neighbour I’ve never met knitted the most beautiful pram blanket and a Twitter friend I’ve also never met sent us the most incredible hand knitted hat for our precious cargo. It actually brought me to tears.

Each week has been met with anxiety, we lived from one scan to the next (we have had them every other week from 6 until 12 weeks) then from midwife appointments to 20 week scan (with the blip scan at 16 weeks thrown in). From then, despite me starting to feel bean’s movements, we lived by each midwife appointment until we had a growth scan at 28 weeks. We had decided not to buy or order anything until we were 30 weeks at which point we ordered the pram and I bravely (VERY bravely) ordered a few clothes still not daring to believe that it was really happening and that something would happen that would take all this away from us.

Who knew there were so many decisions to be made, and how difficult they are to make. Prams… Oh my God, I had no idea there were so many out there and how difficult it would be to make a decision. Nappies… We always knew we wanted to use real nappies, I naively thought they were the ones of my baby days, terry squares, how wrong I was! With such a plethora to chose from I started contacting other mums and mums-to-be on Twitter, who have now become rather good ‘friends’, in order to get some sort of advice on such alien matters! Stupid things like how do you dress a baby, things you take for granted but of course have no idea, why should you, you’ve never had to think about it before. My OH still makes me chuckle when he pulls out a vest, a sleep suit or a romper suit and asks “So what’s this for then?”!

Anyway, here we are, 2 days off full term!

We had our last scan last week where everything is looking perfect, if on the larger side (ouch), each day I feel bean’s feet stamping into my ribcage and relish every painful squirm. We are, pretty much, sorted now. We picked up our amazing pram at the weekend, I’ve had it all out today playing with it. All clothes, sheets and nappies have been washed and dried. Moses basket has been made up. New chest of drawers have been erected so bean now has his/her own storage space (who knew they needed so much?). Hospital bag has been packed and ready to go so now starts the finally count down to bean’s arrival which is looking more and more likely to be on time. At our last hospital appointment we were told, because of my age, they would strongly advise me to be induced on my due date so unless bean makes an earlier appearance it would appear my ideal birth plan is nothing more than scrap paper, but as long as he/she arrives safe and well I really don’t care.

I’m feeling really good, despite the obvious aches and pains that come with pregnancy, no we don’t know what the baby’s sex is, we both feel it’s like opening up Christmas presents before Christmas Day and no we haven’t decided on names yet. If it’s a girl we have two we like, if it’s a boy we’re in trouble and hope if it is the latter he’ll enter this world singing his name!


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