Dear Bean

Dear Bean,

Let me introduce myself, I’m your mummy. You will only know me as a series of bodily sounds and functions at the moment but I’ve been your mummy for the last 38 weeks and 5 days and shall be for the rest of your life and mine. I will love you, comfort you, keep you safe, feed you, clothe you and no doubt embarrass the hell out of you in due course.

I’ve worried about you since the moment I saw those 2 little blue lines appear at 4am one morning in April 2013 and, if I’m honest, I’ve worried about you before that day. You see I knew deep down you were with me and was terrified to find out for sure in case you left me.

We’ve all been on an emotional rollercoaster these past 38 weeks you, I and your doting Daddy. You have been cherished and treasured since blue line day. You’ve been photographed more than most and already we could fill a photo album with your images and you’re not even with us yet.

I’ve panicked when I’ve felt you kick and hiccup, I’ve panicked more when you’ve had a lazy day and haven’t kicked and hiccuped as much as normal but all along you have been fine. For that I am eternally thankful, you’ve been so much wanted Bean you’ll never understand how much.

I’ve tried so hard to remain calm (I’m the calm one Bean, wait until you meet your father and you’ll see that), relaxed, fit and healthy so that you have a relaxed ride whilst you grow. It appears to be working, you’re certainly growing!! Your midwife and sonographers frequently remark on how big you’re going to be whilst looking at me with pity but I don’t care, I would suffer the most excruciating pain known to man if only it meant you being entrusted to us safe and healthy because I love you Bean.

I love you more than life itself and I know I’m going to miss you when you leave the comfort of my expectant tummy. Although I can’t wait to see your beautiful face and hold you in my arms I wonder about the feeling of loss I may suffer when I can’t feel your gentle undulations beneath my skin, your little feet digging into my ribs but I’m sure your smile, your laughs, your giggles and your smell will more than make up for it.

So here I am, your devoted mother. I’ve been thinking lately what sort of mother I’ll be. I hope I’m fair but I’m not going to be a push over either. Whenever I say no to you, and I will, it’s because I love you and want to protect you and keep you safe and bring you up to be respectful, thoughtful and kind. I look to my mother when I think of you, you’ll never meet her but I know she’ll love you and look on you from wherever she is. She was my best friend and I hope, beyond hope that I am going to be yours and then I’ll never think that I’ve failed.

I’m sure I’ll make mistakes, you see everybody does Bean, and it’s ok to do so, I just hope they don’t affect you too much. I’m sure we’ll embarrass you Bean, in fact were bound to. You see your parents are a little bit bonkers darling and I apologise for that now but we’re not going to change. You’ll laugh hysterically with us until you reach your teen years when you’ll probably hate us for being old and mad but you’ll return and hopefully you’ll look back on your childhood and be glad you went through it with us. We endeavour to try our hardest to make you happy, healthy and wise and prepare you well for this world we are responsible for bringing you into. It’s a scary old place but you’re not going to face it alone, you’ll always have us to show you the way, even if we’re not sure of the way ourselves.

We can’t wait to meet you our precious, precious boy, safe journey and we’ll be waiting for you with open arms and open hearts.

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